1
00:00:01,252 --> 00:00:02,586
(ELEVATOR DINGS)

2
00:00:04,213 --> 00:00:05,214
And… time.

3
00:00:05,298 --> 00:00:06,465
Thirty-seven minutes,

4
00:00:06,590 --> 00:00:08,051
we got from the apartment
to the subway

5
00:00:08,134 --> 00:00:09,927
to the pastry school
in record time.

6
00:00:10,010 --> 00:00:11,179
I mean, I'm not wearing a bra

7
00:00:11,470 --> 00:00:13,931
and my thong
may be on backwards.

8
00:00:14,057 --> 00:00:15,766
There's no wrong way
to wear a thong,

9
00:00:15,849 --> 00:00:17,935
as long as it's uncomfortable.

10
00:00:18,477 --> 00:00:20,188
And with you,
the bra's just for decoration.

11
00:00:20,271 --> 00:00:21,689
I have to wear one
'cause you get a ticket

12
00:00:21,939 --> 00:00:23,774
for not putting the kids
in a car seat.

13
00:00:25,609 --> 00:00:26,694
See you in class, guys.

14
00:00:26,777 --> 00:00:28,446
I gotta say good-bye
to my wife.

15
00:00:31,407 --> 00:00:33,117
Did you think
I was gonna kiss you?

16
00:00:33,409 --> 00:00:35,786
Yes, I'm the wife,
you're the husband,

17
00:00:35,911 --> 00:00:37,121
who I caught wearing
my clothes one day,

18
00:00:37,246 --> 00:00:39,123
but I don't say
anything about it.

19
00:00:39,748 --> 00:00:41,167
-Morning, guys.
-Oh, hi, Bebe.

20
00:00:41,292 --> 00:00:43,294
Surprised to see me, right?

21
00:00:43,419 --> 00:00:45,546
Everyone always thinks I'm not
gonna make it through the night,

22
00:00:45,629 --> 00:00:48,132
but here I am,
even surprised myself.

23
00:00:49,717 --> 00:00:51,427
What's it like working
in an office

24
00:00:51,552 --> 00:00:53,596
with someone who's about
to snap like a breadstick?

25
00:00:55,639 --> 00:00:57,516
Not as much fun
as you'd think.

26
00:00:58,142 --> 00:00:59,143
But Bebe's sweet,

27
00:00:59,185 --> 00:01:00,978
and working here is putting you
through pastry school.

28
00:01:01,061 --> 00:01:02,771
-Okay, bye.
-Bye.

29
00:01:03,689 --> 00:01:06,024
-I want a divorce.
-I already filed.

30
00:01:07,485 --> 00:01:09,487
♪ (THEME MUSIC) ♪

31
00:01:09,862 --> 00:01:11,029
(CASH REGISTER RINGS)

32
00:01:19,663 --> 00:01:23,000
Hey, wife, I need five dollars to pay
for a spatula I broke yesterday.

33
00:01:23,083 --> 00:01:25,043
I was having
a Gordon Ramsay moment.

34
00:01:27,130 --> 00:01:29,006
I'd have sex with him,
by the way.

35
00:01:29,715 --> 00:01:30,758
Why?

36
00:01:30,841 --> 00:01:32,135
He'd just be yelling at you
and telling you

37
00:01:32,218 --> 00:01:33,886
you're doing it wrong.

38
00:01:34,637 --> 00:01:36,180
Yeah, sex.

39
00:01:37,681 --> 00:01:39,475
Take it.
It's in my purse.

40
00:01:39,725 --> 00:01:42,186
Yo, Bebe, you got any
extra pills you're not taking?

41
00:01:43,854 --> 00:01:45,856
No, I'm taking them all.

42
00:01:45,939 --> 00:01:47,525
Oh, my God, no.

43
00:01:47,650 --> 00:01:50,153
What, I just wanted
one... or two.

44
00:01:50,194 --> 00:01:51,195
Just to take the edge off.

45
00:01:51,279 --> 00:01:53,322
I have a whipped cream
final at 3:00.

46
00:01:53,406 --> 00:01:57,326
No, in the obituaries.
I know this person.

47
00:01:57,618 --> 00:02:01,705
"Antonia Florentino, 80,
died peacefully in her sleep."

48
00:02:02,039 --> 00:02:03,666
That's a suicide, right?

49
00:02:08,712 --> 00:02:10,005
She was my nanny.

50
00:02:10,088 --> 00:02:12,216
You still have a nanny?

51
00:02:13,133 --> 00:02:14,218
Lucky.

52
00:02:16,595 --> 00:02:18,722
She took care of me
most of my childhood.

53
00:02:18,847 --> 00:02:20,057
I loved her so much.

54
00:02:20,516 --> 00:02:21,725
So sorry.

55
00:02:21,767 --> 00:02:24,144
That's kind of how I felt
about my old neighbor, Carla.

56
00:02:24,228 --> 00:02:26,397
I mean, she didn't take care of me,
but when I was a kid,

57
00:02:26,522 --> 00:02:28,607
she used to let me drink
out of her hose.

58
00:02:29,942 --> 00:02:32,152
The last time I saw Antonia,
she was driving me

59
00:02:32,236 --> 00:02:36,031
and a sloppy Nelly Furtado
to the Teen Choice Awards.

60
00:02:36,073 --> 00:02:38,451
Oh, are we allowed
to cry at work now?

61
00:02:38,534 --> 00:02:40,578
'Cause I only do it
in my car.

62
00:02:47,585 --> 00:02:50,463
Max, you know
what I just realized?

63
00:02:50,588 --> 00:02:54,300
This is the first time I've
been here since my nanny died.

64
00:02:54,425 --> 00:02:57,052
You just said that
at Chipotle.

65
00:02:57,761 --> 00:02:59,763
And then you said it again
ten minutes later,

66
00:02:59,888 --> 00:03:01,807
also at Chipotle.

67
00:03:02,266 --> 00:03:03,726
Show some sensitivity.

68
00:03:03,851 --> 00:03:05,978
I was crying
because my nanny died,

69
00:03:06,103 --> 00:03:10,065
and also because our grief
brunch was at Chipotle.

70
00:03:10,148 --> 00:03:12,651
Caroline, your nanny passed?

71
00:03:12,943 --> 00:03:14,653
My sympathies, sweetheart.
That's a shame.

72
00:03:14,778 --> 00:03:17,197
But there is nothing better
than a black funeral.

73
00:03:17,281 --> 00:03:20,868
I'm still hungover
from my grandpa's in '84.

74
00:03:22,453 --> 00:03:23,662
Earl, my nanny was white.

75
00:03:23,787 --> 00:03:26,915
Your nanny was white?
Child, you were rich.

76
00:03:28,792 --> 00:03:29,877
Have you seen Han?

77
00:03:29,960 --> 00:03:31,295
The funeral's
in Philadelphia tomorrow,

78
00:03:31,379 --> 00:03:32,421
and I need the day off.

79
00:03:32,505 --> 00:03:34,465
Well, I think I saw him earlier,
but then again,

80
00:03:34,632 --> 00:03:36,884
it might have been a cat.

81
00:03:37,968 --> 00:03:39,470
Hey, we both need the day off.

82
00:03:39,637 --> 00:03:41,138
I'm going with you
for moral support,

83
00:03:41,305 --> 00:03:42,473
slash, my first cheese steak,

84
00:03:42,598 --> 00:03:43,891
slash, I want to ride
the Liberty Bell

85
00:03:43,974 --> 00:03:45,225
like a wrecking ball.

86
00:03:46,310 --> 00:03:49,187
I just read the craziest article
in this Popular Science

87
00:03:49,480 --> 00:03:52,608
about white dwarfs,
black holes, and Uranus.

88
00:03:54,151 --> 00:03:56,320
Oh, no.
Let me start over.

89
00:03:57,321 --> 00:03:59,407
Han, we need tomorrow off.
My nanny died.

90
00:03:59,490 --> 00:04:02,242
-She was like a mother to me.
-But she was not your mother.

91
00:04:02,326 --> 00:04:04,495
And diner rules clearly state
you can only take off

92
00:04:04,620 --> 00:04:06,163
for the death
of a family member.

93
00:04:06,289 --> 00:04:07,665
Well, the rules also say

94
00:04:07,748 --> 00:04:09,833
"No drinking
on the job," but, uh....

95
00:04:10,042 --> 00:04:11,710
(CAN OPENS)

96
00:04:13,754 --> 00:04:15,423
Okay, yes, you can go.

97
00:04:15,506 --> 00:04:18,091
Because in my culture,
it's important to honor the elderly.

98
00:04:18,175 --> 00:04:21,929
I shared a bunk bed with
a 97-year-old till I was 22.

99
00:04:23,013 --> 00:04:25,474
Were you on the top
or the bottom?

100
00:04:25,558 --> 00:04:27,685
No, I was always the bottom.

101
00:04:32,690 --> 00:04:35,025
Oh, no.
Let me start over.

102
00:04:36,527 --> 00:04:37,986
(POLISH ACCENT) Hey, Caroline.

103
00:04:38,070 --> 00:04:40,113
I got your nanny
death text.

104
00:04:40,197 --> 00:04:42,366
So, I'm wearing black
out of respect.

105
00:04:42,616 --> 00:04:45,869
And also,
I got my period.

106
00:04:46,787 --> 00:04:48,622
Thanks, Sophie,
that's lovely.

107
00:04:48,914 --> 00:04:50,708
It is, which part?

108
00:04:51,625 --> 00:04:54,587
You know, back in Poland
when my nanny died,

109
00:04:54,712 --> 00:04:58,882
I was so heartbroken,
I could barely eat her.

110
00:05:07,350 --> 00:05:09,935
You ate your dead nanny?

111
00:05:10,060 --> 00:05:12,855
Well, a goat's a goat.

112
00:05:13,021 --> 00:05:14,272
It doesn't matter
what you name it.

113
00:05:14,398 --> 00:05:17,109
It's still good goat meat.

114
00:05:18,276 --> 00:05:20,904
All right, I'll be in my booth.

115
00:05:21,196 --> 00:05:24,408
I'm going to order a tuna melt
and three Midol, please.

116
00:05:26,494 --> 00:05:27,745
Wait, how are we
gonna get there?

117
00:05:27,870 --> 00:05:30,163
Oh, Bebe said she had a car,
we can just ask her.

118
00:05:30,247 --> 00:05:31,707
I don't want to get
in a car with her.

119
00:05:31,832 --> 00:05:34,752
I don't even want to get
in a conversation with her.

120
00:05:34,835 --> 00:05:36,086
I can drive you.

121
00:05:36,169 --> 00:05:38,422
We just have to stop
at my sister's in Bucks County,

122
00:05:38,506 --> 00:05:40,758
pick up an unmarked package,
and swing by Connecticut

123
00:05:41,008 --> 00:05:43,176
to drop it off.

124
00:05:43,260 --> 00:05:45,929
Oleg, is there anything illegal
about this delivery?

125
00:05:46,179 --> 00:05:47,890
No, it's just some shoes...

126
00:05:47,973 --> 00:05:50,393
stuffed with cocaine.

127
00:05:50,559 --> 00:05:52,895
Also the shoes
are made of hashish.

128
00:05:54,229 --> 00:05:55,648
I'll call Bebe.

129
00:05:55,773 --> 00:05:57,024
Okay, but I'm sitting
in the back

130
00:05:57,107 --> 00:05:59,276
'cause I don't want
the crazy to get on me.

131
00:06:03,447 --> 00:06:06,950
Bebe, I can't thank you enough
for driving us to the funeral.

132
00:06:07,451 --> 00:06:10,621
We're only going 20.
You can go faster if you want.

133
00:06:10,746 --> 00:06:13,749
Yeah, we just got
passed by a tree.

134
00:06:13,916 --> 00:06:16,627
And I'm especially thrilled
your nervous cocker spaniel

135
00:06:16,752 --> 00:06:19,212
with gas and hot spots
got to join us.

136
00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:23,133
Okay, now you're going 100.
(CHUCKLES)

137
00:06:23,258 --> 00:06:24,885
We can go slower
if you want.

138
00:06:24,968 --> 00:06:27,304
Sorry.
Extremes, that's my thing.

139
00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:29,807
One time I moved
to Tokyo for a day.

140
00:06:30,849 --> 00:06:32,768
Max, it just hit me again.

141
00:06:32,851 --> 00:06:35,771
I know.
It's like she feeds him broccoli.

142
00:06:36,647 --> 00:06:39,692
No, that Antonia
is really dead.

143
00:06:39,817 --> 00:06:41,694
Well, the good news is,
according to Yelp,

144
00:06:41,819 --> 00:06:43,236
she's dead about two blocks
from the famous

145
00:06:43,361 --> 00:06:44,780
Philly cheese steak place.

146
00:06:44,863 --> 00:06:47,575
-Max, show some respect.
-Well, I didn't know her.

147
00:06:47,825 --> 00:06:49,535
In fact, I only know her
as the lady who brought me

148
00:06:49,702 --> 00:06:51,662
and cheese steaks together.

149
00:06:51,745 --> 00:06:54,164
Even though we've never met,
it'll mean so much

150
00:06:54,289 --> 00:06:56,875
to Antonia's family that I came
out of respect.

151
00:06:57,000 --> 00:06:58,877
It'll mean so much
to my therapist that I left

152
00:06:59,002 --> 00:07:01,505
my safe zone and only brought
one of the dogs.

153
00:07:02,840 --> 00:07:04,633
Max, do you think,
in addition to my eulogy,

154
00:07:04,758 --> 00:07:06,969
I should read something
from my childhood journal?

155
00:07:07,094 --> 00:07:09,179
I don't, but I think
you're gonna do it anyway.

156
00:07:09,262 --> 00:07:12,307
"Christmas morning, 1997.

157
00:07:12,432 --> 00:07:14,351
Antonia woke me up
with a cup of hot cocoa

158
00:07:14,477 --> 00:07:16,186
and my favorite
peppermint stick,

159
00:07:16,311 --> 00:07:17,688
and then we opened presents."

160
00:07:17,813 --> 00:07:19,857
Christmas morning, 1997.

161
00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:22,234
I threw cold water
on my mother's face.

162
00:07:22,359 --> 00:07:24,319
New Year's day,
still no movement.

163
00:07:25,153 --> 00:07:26,697
Aw.

164
00:07:26,822 --> 00:07:30,325
This is the only picture
I still have of us.

165
00:07:30,618 --> 00:07:32,035
It was our first
Halloween together.

166
00:07:32,119 --> 00:07:33,203
I was four.

167
00:07:33,286 --> 00:07:37,124
Look at that cute little baby
chick costume she made me.

168
00:07:37,249 --> 00:07:39,042
Peep-peep.

169
00:07:39,167 --> 00:07:41,837
-Aw, so cute.
-Car.

170
00:07:44,548 --> 00:07:46,550
I never had
a Halloween costume.

171
00:07:46,675 --> 00:07:48,511
I used to put my hair
in a messy bun

172
00:07:48,594 --> 00:07:51,722
and stumble from door-to-door
telling people I was my mother.

173
00:07:51,847 --> 00:07:54,600
This Halloween,
I went as my doctor, Michael.

174
00:07:54,725 --> 00:07:58,103
And I dressed up my buddy here
as his lover, Joseph.

175
00:07:59,271 --> 00:08:00,939
We lost.

176
00:08:01,607 --> 00:08:03,316
Antonia was always
there for me.

177
00:08:03,400 --> 00:08:06,069
Halloween, Christmas, Easter,
every holiday.

178
00:08:06,194 --> 00:08:07,404
Really, every day.

179
00:08:07,530 --> 00:08:09,322
She was really like
a mother to me.

180
00:08:09,406 --> 00:08:10,908
Where was your real mother?

181
00:08:11,033 --> 00:08:13,536
Hey, what kind of dog is that?
I mean, besides sad?

182
00:08:13,619 --> 00:08:15,621
Her mother had an affair,
got pushed out.

183
00:08:15,746 --> 00:08:17,665
That's her hot spot,
so don't lick it.

184
00:08:18,916 --> 00:08:21,251
It's okay, Max,
I don't need any protection.

185
00:08:21,334 --> 00:08:22,711
You don't need protection?

186
00:08:22,795 --> 00:08:24,838
Who are you, every guy
I've ever dated?

187
00:08:24,922 --> 00:08:27,424
Bebe, yes, my mother
was unfaithful to my father,

188
00:08:27,507 --> 00:08:28,551
so she was sent away.

189
00:08:28,634 --> 00:08:30,803
But I had Antonia,
and she took care of me.

190
00:08:31,094 --> 00:08:32,429
She was my family.

191
00:08:32,555 --> 00:08:35,015
That must have been hard.
Everybody needs a mother.

192
00:08:35,265 --> 00:08:36,892
I'd be crazy
without my mother.

193
00:08:37,851 --> 00:08:40,228
She drives me
to all my appointments.

194
00:08:40,478 --> 00:08:41,939
But you drive.

195
00:08:42,022 --> 00:08:43,148
Yeah...

196
00:08:43,273 --> 00:08:45,400
But I'm not supposed to.

197
00:08:51,907 --> 00:08:54,284
It's okay I asked Bebe
to wait in the car, right?

198
00:08:54,367 --> 00:08:56,870
I mean, she'll be okay.
We cracked a window.

199
00:08:57,120 --> 00:08:59,707
Yeah, and she's got a bowl
and a chew-toy.

200
00:09:01,584 --> 00:09:03,460
Come on, let's sign in.

201
00:09:04,377 --> 00:09:06,504
Max, I have to keep it together
when I meet the family.

202
00:09:06,630 --> 00:09:08,632
I can't be all emotional.

203
00:09:08,799 --> 00:09:11,176
Look, my hand's shaking.
This is terrible.

204
00:09:12,260 --> 00:09:13,971
(COUGHS)

205
00:09:16,056 --> 00:09:17,975
What?
It was a terrible signature.

206
00:09:18,058 --> 00:09:19,476
And there were only five
other names on the page.

207
00:09:19,643 --> 00:09:21,645
Get rid of it.

208
00:09:21,729 --> 00:09:23,105
"Get rid of it"?

209
00:09:23,188 --> 00:09:25,482
Who are you, every guy
I've ever dated?

210
00:09:26,942 --> 00:09:29,277
Caroline Channing.

211
00:09:29,361 --> 00:09:30,821
Here, Max.

212
00:09:30,904 --> 00:09:32,364
Oh, look.

213
00:09:32,489 --> 00:09:35,033
The flowers and everything
are so beautiful.

214
00:09:35,158 --> 00:09:36,243
There you go.

215
00:09:36,534 --> 00:09:40,038
You signed
"Phil E. Cheesesteak"?

216
00:09:42,082 --> 00:09:43,834
You told me not
to mention it anymore,

217
00:09:44,001 --> 00:09:46,003
so it's just a reminder.

218
00:09:46,128 --> 00:09:48,421
Okay, Max, there are
gonna be a lot of people

219
00:09:48,546 --> 00:09:50,674
who will want my attention,
so please be patient

220
00:09:50,758 --> 00:09:52,718
and stand next to me for
the occasional supportive lean.

221
00:09:52,843 --> 00:09:54,552
And if someone starts
to get too weepy,

222
00:09:54,678 --> 00:09:56,680
push them out of the way because
I can't get tears on this dress.

223
00:09:56,805 --> 00:09:59,057
It has to be back
at Barneys by 9:00 AM.

224
00:10:00,809 --> 00:10:04,021
-You're here.
-Here we go, Max.

225
00:10:04,187 --> 00:10:06,189
(SOBBING)

226
00:10:08,400 --> 00:10:10,694
I was talking to him.

227
00:10:15,908 --> 00:10:18,618
Of course you were.
It's a very sad day for us all.

228
00:10:21,163 --> 00:10:23,581
That was rough!

229
00:10:27,210 --> 00:10:28,211
Oh.

230
00:10:28,336 --> 00:10:30,881
Max, look.
This is Antonia.

231
00:10:31,006 --> 00:10:33,676
-Wow. She looks really nice.
-She was.

232
00:10:33,967 --> 00:10:36,261
I didn't know she was
in the military.

233
00:10:36,386 --> 00:10:39,431
But it does explain those
fabulous bed sheet corners.

234
00:10:39,556 --> 00:10:41,892
Wait, you didn't know
your nanny was a marine?

235
00:10:42,017 --> 00:10:43,727
That's too bad,
'cause I'd be all,

236
00:10:43,894 --> 00:10:47,230
"Yo, other little rich kid,
my nanny can snap your neck!"

237
00:10:48,106 --> 00:10:51,860
Oh, look, there are her sisters,
Cecelia and Angela,

238
00:10:51,944 --> 00:10:54,362
and there are her nieces
and nephews.

239
00:10:54,446 --> 00:10:57,574
And there is... not me anywhere.

240
00:10:57,657 --> 00:10:59,367
You know, my picture
must be in the coffin

241
00:10:59,451 --> 00:11:01,244
with the other VIPs.

242
00:11:03,580 --> 00:11:06,583
If you're a VIP, can we get
some bottle service?

243
00:11:06,666 --> 00:11:08,668
Good afternoon, ladies.
I'm Anthony.

244
00:11:08,794 --> 00:11:10,420
Antonia's nephew.

245
00:11:10,503 --> 00:11:11,629
It's sad day, huh?

246
00:11:11,755 --> 00:11:13,090
Yes, it is.

247
00:11:14,257 --> 00:11:16,259
Oh. Think I just got
a little less sad.

248
00:11:16,426 --> 00:11:18,929
Oh! Anthony!

249
00:11:19,012 --> 00:11:20,430
Stop.
We're family.

250
00:11:20,597 --> 00:11:21,890
I'm Caroline Channing.

251
00:11:21,974 --> 00:11:24,601
You're Caroline "Hot,"
is all I know.

252
00:11:26,144 --> 00:11:28,438
You ladies need cash envelopes
or you guys cool?

253
00:11:28,939 --> 00:11:31,817
I always need
a cash envelope.

254
00:11:32,567 --> 00:11:34,152
I'm sorry,
envelopes for what?

255
00:11:34,444 --> 00:11:36,613
Well, at Italian wakes,
the mourners give the family

256
00:11:36,739 --> 00:11:38,782
a donation after they view
the deceased.

257
00:11:38,866 --> 00:11:40,658
So, it's pay-per-view?

258
00:11:41,910 --> 00:11:43,746
That was a good one.

259
00:11:44,454 --> 00:11:46,331
Hey, you want to go
get a pop later?

260
00:11:47,665 --> 00:11:50,377
We're leaving right after,
but, yes, Anthony, thank you.

261
00:11:50,460 --> 00:11:51,879
We'll take an envelope.

262
00:11:53,213 --> 00:11:54,714
The body's right through there.

263
00:11:56,299 --> 00:11:57,342
Go right ahead.

264
00:11:57,467 --> 00:11:59,887
Anthony, stop.

265
00:12:00,012 --> 00:12:01,138
I'm really nervous.

266
00:12:01,221 --> 00:12:02,848
I've never seen
a dead body before.

267
00:12:02,973 --> 00:12:04,182
I've seen a bunch.

268
00:12:04,307 --> 00:12:06,476
A couple of them
were my fault.

269
00:12:07,227 --> 00:12:09,146
I don't have any cash.
Do you have any money?

270
00:12:09,271 --> 00:12:11,023
Let me check my wallet.

271
00:12:12,524 --> 00:12:15,527
This is a real Ziploc,
not one of those knock-offs.

272
00:12:17,821 --> 00:12:19,239
Make sure you seal
the envelope,

273
00:12:19,322 --> 00:12:21,491
so people think
it's all quarters.

274
00:12:22,075 --> 00:12:24,661
Max, we're next.
I'm afraid. Hold my hand.

275
00:12:24,744 --> 00:12:25,996
Hold hands?

276
00:12:26,121 --> 00:12:28,791
What are we, on a Christian Mingle
fifth date?

277
00:12:30,667 --> 00:12:32,085
Please, Max.
I'm nervous.

278
00:12:32,169 --> 00:12:34,296
-Oh, God.
-Thank you.

279
00:12:34,379 --> 00:12:36,048
Okay, now give it back.

280
00:12:36,506 --> 00:12:39,467
What? That was just
my longest relationship.

281
00:12:39,551 --> 00:12:42,179
Plus, I need it to put
this change in the envelope.

282
00:12:46,016 --> 00:12:49,061
Oh, she looks so peaceful.

283
00:12:49,186 --> 00:12:52,105
Hi, Antonia.
It's me, Caroline.

284
00:12:52,189 --> 00:12:53,606
Should I kiss her?

285
00:12:53,690 --> 00:12:54,983
The family is right
there watching.

286
00:12:55,025 --> 00:12:57,152
-The lady before us kissed her.
-Go for it.

287
00:12:57,235 --> 00:12:59,154
Doesn't look like
she'd bite you.

288
00:13:00,613 --> 00:13:02,199
Okay, on the count of three.

289
00:13:02,365 --> 00:13:04,242
One, two...

290
00:13:04,367 --> 00:13:05,828
No, Max, hold my hand again
while I...

291
00:13:09,664 --> 00:13:11,416
What do we do?

292
00:13:11,917 --> 00:13:12,960
Wait, leave it!

293
00:13:13,043 --> 00:13:14,127
We were giving it
to them anyway.

294
00:13:14,211 --> 00:13:16,880
Not all of it.
That's our cheese steak money.

295
00:13:16,964 --> 00:13:19,216
Leave it. Come on.

296
00:13:19,883 --> 00:13:22,135
I am so, so sorry
about that.

297
00:13:22,260 --> 00:13:24,554
My nerves got the best of me.
You understand.

298
00:13:24,637 --> 00:13:28,058
-I'm Cecelia, Antonia's--
-Sister, I know.

299
00:13:28,225 --> 00:13:29,726
I see the resemblance.

300
00:13:29,809 --> 00:13:31,394
I'm Caroline.

301
00:13:33,230 --> 00:13:35,440
Caroline who?

302
00:13:35,565 --> 00:13:38,110
Oh. Caroline Channing.

303
00:13:40,195 --> 00:13:42,822
Caroline Channing who?

304
00:13:43,406 --> 00:13:45,075
You're having
a hard time processing.

305
00:13:45,158 --> 00:13:46,159
Understandable.

306
00:13:46,243 --> 00:13:47,953
It's been a very emotional day
for us all.

307
00:13:48,078 --> 00:13:50,038
Who is this girl?

308
00:13:50,122 --> 00:13:52,582
You, I feel like
I've seen somewhere.

309
00:13:53,750 --> 00:13:56,503
Are you Ricky's girl
from Rochester?

310
00:13:56,628 --> 00:13:59,006
I could be.
What's in it for me?

311
00:14:00,673 --> 00:14:02,885
Antonia used to take care of me
when I was little.

312
00:14:02,968 --> 00:14:06,596
Oh, Antonia
was your babysitter.

313
00:14:06,763 --> 00:14:08,265
Very nice of you to come.

314
00:14:08,390 --> 00:14:11,184
Well, she was hardly
my babysitter.

315
00:14:11,268 --> 00:14:13,937
She took care of me
every day for ten years.

316
00:14:14,021 --> 00:14:16,189
Caroline.
Caroline Channing.

317
00:14:16,273 --> 00:14:20,443
I'm sorry, but I don't know
who you are, sweetheart,

318
00:14:20,568 --> 00:14:24,864
though it seems to be
what you're hammering me about.

319
00:14:26,449 --> 00:14:29,119
If you'll excuse me,
I need a cigarette.

320
00:14:29,244 --> 00:14:30,620
And then I got to remove

321
00:14:30,787 --> 00:14:33,790
some of those pennies off
of my sister.

322
00:14:33,916 --> 00:14:36,876
It's a coffin,
not a wishing well.

323
00:14:42,674 --> 00:14:46,303
This funeral turned out
to be very depressing.

324
00:14:46,428 --> 00:14:47,595
Well, yeah.

325
00:14:47,679 --> 00:14:50,974
Dead body in the room,
generally a buzz-kill.

326
00:14:51,058 --> 00:14:52,350
Unless it's an Irish wake,

327
00:14:52,642 --> 00:14:55,103
then you're playing beer pong
off the coffin.

328
00:14:55,187 --> 00:14:58,856
No, I mean, how is it possible
that the family doesn't know me?

329
00:14:58,982 --> 00:15:00,984
Did Antonia never even
mention me?

330
00:15:01,109 --> 00:15:04,196
Let's focus on the positive.
Anthony really liked your ass.

331
00:15:05,613 --> 00:15:08,241
I know what Antonia
and I had.

332
00:15:08,325 --> 00:15:09,659
This is what we had.

333
00:15:09,784 --> 00:15:12,412
Peep-peep.
That's what we had.

334
00:15:12,495 --> 00:15:14,122
Well, that's a lot.

335
00:15:14,206 --> 00:15:16,208
But I guess no one in this
family wants to admit that,

336
00:15:16,333 --> 00:15:19,086
and it's a shame too,
because I had a great eulogy.

337
00:15:19,169 --> 00:15:21,921
-You do?
-Yes. I do.

338
00:15:22,005 --> 00:15:23,381
Would you like me
to share it with you?

339
00:15:23,506 --> 00:15:26,009
-I most certainly would.
-Oh!

340
00:15:26,093 --> 00:15:28,761
You are not seriously
eulogy-bombing

341
00:15:29,096 --> 00:15:30,472
that old lady, are you?

342
00:15:30,555 --> 00:15:32,515
She asked me
about my great eulogy.

343
00:15:32,682 --> 00:15:33,683
She's 100,

344
00:15:33,725 --> 00:15:36,894
she probably thought you said
you had a great urologist.

345
00:15:37,687 --> 00:15:38,981
Do you have a pen?

346
00:15:39,147 --> 00:15:42,025
I'm getting the name
of her doctor.

347
00:15:43,235 --> 00:15:45,528
No, ma'am, I didn't say,
"urologist."

348
00:15:45,862 --> 00:15:48,531
I said, "eulogy."
A great eulogy.

349
00:15:48,656 --> 00:15:51,701
Why would you give
the eulogy?

350
00:15:52,535 --> 00:15:55,163
Because I'm Caroline Channing.

351
00:15:55,247 --> 00:15:56,456
Who?

352
00:15:56,581 --> 00:15:58,625
Caroline Channing.

353
00:15:59,376 --> 00:16:01,628
Caroline Channing?

354
00:16:01,711 --> 00:16:03,713
Antonia was my nanny.

355
00:16:03,838 --> 00:16:06,758
My family was rich, but then
my father robbed everyone,

356
00:16:06,883 --> 00:16:08,468
and we became
the scourge of society,

357
00:16:08,760 --> 00:16:10,137
overshadowed a little bit

358
00:16:10,220 --> 00:16:12,222
by Mel Gibson hating the Jews
that same week.

359
00:16:12,347 --> 00:16:13,723
Surely, you remember?

360
00:16:15,475 --> 00:16:19,562
Honey, I don't even remember
how I got here.

361
00:16:22,899 --> 00:16:24,567
I can't believe this.

362
00:16:24,734 --> 00:16:27,070
I constructed my entire
"happy" childhood

363
00:16:27,195 --> 00:16:28,863
on the fact that
even though my mom left

364
00:16:28,946 --> 00:16:31,908
and apparently didn't love me,
Antonia did.

365
00:16:32,075 --> 00:16:34,786
And now I get here
and I realize no one loved me,

366
00:16:34,952 --> 00:16:36,079
I was just a paycheck.

367
00:16:36,246 --> 00:16:38,081
One of the many kids
she babysat.

368
00:16:38,248 --> 00:16:40,458
I don't even know
why I bothered to come.

369
00:16:40,583 --> 00:16:43,461
I'm gonna go to the restroom
and then we can just leave.

370
00:16:47,257 --> 00:16:48,633
Excuse me. Hi.

371
00:16:48,716 --> 00:16:50,427
Max, Ricky's girl.

372
00:16:50,510 --> 00:16:53,430
Ahem. I know this is
a hard time for you,

373
00:16:53,596 --> 00:16:55,014
but it's a hard time
for my friend as well.

374
00:16:55,098 --> 00:16:56,933
And even though
you never heard of her,

375
00:16:57,016 --> 00:16:59,311
I was wondering if you could
just go over there,

376
00:16:59,602 --> 00:17:00,687
and say you just
remembered her,

377
00:17:00,812 --> 00:17:02,689
and that Antonia talked
about her all the time?

378
00:17:02,772 --> 00:17:06,484
I know it's a 180 on your
original story and a lie,

379
00:17:06,609 --> 00:17:08,445
and I'd offer to pay you
for your trouble,

380
00:17:08,570 --> 00:17:11,156
but my 401K is laying in that
box on top of your sister.

381
00:17:12,699 --> 00:17:16,828
Look, I only permitted
you two to stay

382
00:17:16,953 --> 00:17:20,039
'cause your Ricky
was so nice to Uncle Joe

383
00:17:20,207 --> 00:17:22,792
when he fell off the roof
last year.

384
00:17:23,335 --> 00:17:25,628
But now, you gotta go.

385
00:17:26,879 --> 00:17:27,922
Okay.

386
00:17:28,005 --> 00:17:29,591
Be that way.

387
00:17:29,882 --> 00:17:31,468
But don't expect Ricky
to pick up Uncle Joe

388
00:17:31,593 --> 00:17:33,220
for dialysis.

389
00:17:39,351 --> 00:17:41,018
Max, what are you doing?

390
00:17:41,311 --> 00:17:42,979
The family asked me
to put it up.

391
00:17:43,146 --> 00:17:44,189
They just remembered you.

392
00:17:44,481 --> 00:17:45,898
Oh, my God.

393
00:17:46,023 --> 00:17:47,900
I'm so pathetic, you have
to put up my picture

394
00:17:47,984 --> 00:17:49,152
to make me feel better?

395
00:17:49,277 --> 00:17:51,363
In a way, yes.

396
00:17:52,364 --> 00:17:53,823
It belongs up there.

397
00:17:53,990 --> 00:17:56,243
Who wouldn't want
to know that kid?

398
00:17:56,326 --> 00:17:59,829
Nice to meet you, Antonia.
Please don't haunt us.

399
00:18:00,079 --> 00:18:02,374
Now, let's hit the road and get
some freaking cheese steaks!

400
00:18:02,499 --> 00:18:04,959
Max, please take that down.
It's so embarrassing.

401
00:18:05,042 --> 00:18:07,420
Nobody here knows
anything about me.

402
00:18:07,504 --> 00:18:09,672
They didn't know me either, chicken.

403
00:18:09,839 --> 00:18:12,717
Hey, who you callin' chicken?

404
00:18:12,842 --> 00:18:15,178
Me. That was Antonia's
nickname for me.

405
00:18:15,303 --> 00:18:17,764
-You know who I am?
-Of course, I do.

406
00:18:17,847 --> 00:18:20,308
Antonia's little chick,
her peep.

407
00:18:21,684 --> 00:18:22,685
She loved you.

408
00:18:22,977 --> 00:18:25,438
And she loved making you
that costume.

409
00:18:25,522 --> 00:18:28,858
Took the whole kitchen table up
with all those sequins...

410
00:18:29,776 --> 00:18:32,945
But she knew you deserved
to sparkle.

411
00:18:33,029 --> 00:18:36,699
She loved you so much,
I couldn't even begin to complain.

412
00:18:36,824 --> 00:18:38,910
I'm so sorry.
What was your name?

413
00:18:39,035 --> 00:18:42,079
I'm Meg O'Hara.
I was her roommate.

414
00:18:42,205 --> 00:18:43,206
And lover.

415
00:18:45,041 --> 00:18:47,377
We were together 30 years.

416
00:18:47,502 --> 00:18:49,712
BOTH: The military!

417
00:18:56,052 --> 00:18:58,054
I know, right?

418
00:18:58,221 --> 00:18:59,556
I mean, come on.

419
00:18:59,681 --> 00:19:03,100
That's me with my arm
around her on that tank.

420
00:19:03,226 --> 00:19:06,103
And the family
still had no clue.

421
00:19:06,229 --> 00:19:08,898
Vintage lez, very cool.

422
00:19:10,650 --> 00:19:13,486
I know Toni would have
wanted you to have these.

423
00:19:14,821 --> 00:19:18,408
Oh, thanks for coming, chicken.

424
00:19:18,950 --> 00:19:21,703
You're probably
the only person in the world

425
00:19:21,786 --> 00:19:24,747
who loved her as purely
as I did.

426
00:19:30,420 --> 00:19:32,589
Max, look.

427
00:19:32,839 --> 00:19:34,090
Christmas.

428
00:19:34,216 --> 00:19:36,593
And my birthday.

429
00:19:36,718 --> 00:19:39,178
And the Teen Choice Awards.

430
00:19:43,933 --> 00:19:45,977
I'm sorry for your loss.

431
00:19:49,606 --> 00:19:51,733
Thank you.

432
00:19:56,279 --> 00:19:59,115
Philly cheese steaks
for everybody!

433
00:19:59,198 --> 00:20:00,492
And you really haven't lived

434
00:20:00,617 --> 00:20:02,452
until you've driven
two hours in a Chevy

435
00:20:02,535 --> 00:20:04,496
with nine cheese steaks
and a gassy animal.

436
00:20:04,621 --> 00:20:07,039
What?
I ate mine in the car.

437
00:20:07,290 --> 00:20:09,125
Hey, Earl, you missed
one hell of a funeral.

438
00:20:09,459 --> 00:20:10,543
You should have come.

439
00:20:10,627 --> 00:20:11,878
There were some
hot octogenarians,

440
00:20:12,003 --> 00:20:13,296
and I got a definite
jungle fever vibe

441
00:20:13,588 --> 00:20:14,672
from one of them.

442
00:20:14,797 --> 00:20:17,967
Girl, at my age, you don't go
anywhere near funerals.

443
00:20:18,050 --> 00:20:19,469
You accidentally doze off,

444
00:20:19,802 --> 00:20:22,389
you spend six hours digging
yourself out of the ground.

445
00:20:26,434 --> 00:20:28,561
Hey, how you
holding up, chicken?

446
00:20:28,686 --> 00:20:29,979
I'm okay. Thanks.

447
00:20:30,229 --> 00:20:31,439
And Max, when I die,

448
00:20:31,564 --> 00:20:33,483
I don't care who else
is at my funeral,

449
00:20:33,608 --> 00:20:34,609
as long as you're there.

450
00:20:34,734 --> 00:20:35,985
Of course, I'll be there.

451
00:20:36,068 --> 00:20:38,988
The murderer always shows up
to throw off the cops.

452
00:20:39,071 --> 00:20:40,990
Also, save the money
on a casket

453
00:20:41,073 --> 00:20:43,785
and just toss me in a hole
wearing Dior and a smokey eye.

454
00:20:43,868 --> 00:20:46,413
Unless I'm fat,
then burn me.

455
00:20:46,496 --> 00:20:47,997
Well, I don't want a funeral.

456
00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:50,124
When I die, just shove
my corpse into a cannon

457
00:20:50,207 --> 00:20:52,585
and blow me directly
into the Trump Casino.

458
00:20:57,340 --> 00:20:59,384
(CASH REGISTER DINGS)

459
00:21:24,534 --> 00:21:25,535
(English US - SDH)